speechless;
hmm where to start?
i'm not really sure why i even signed up to have my own blog, i guess it could be because i was bored at home with nothing else to do, but also because i have alot going through my mind right now and i wasn't too sure if anybody was up to listening to me or if i was even ready to open up just yet.it could jus be me being the drama queen that all girls tend to be once in a while but i jus feel like no one gets me; or maybe its cus i haven't said much to anybody and if i have its jus bits and pieces but i'm jus not sure if anyone really understands. some.. actually a few people have said how complex i am. i'm not the type to know what exactly it is that i want or don't want. i'm the type to jus go from what i want RIGHT NOW. i never think of what may happen in the future. i guess it's just my fear of taking any type of risks in life. i've taken enough risks in the past and because of those risks i now have consequences to pay and a heart to mend on my own. i never could trust anyone until this one person, i wish i had known better than and that i had listened with my head instead of my heart but its too late now, the damage has bin done. it's amazing the emotions and feelings a person could have at such a young age and thats why i didn't bother second-guessing my actions back then, i never imagained getting in this deep. if i was a bit more mature back then, maybe, jus maybe half the things going on with me now wouldn't keep reoccuring and the ghost of my past would once and for all leave me alone - whoa the whole ghost thing SO SEX & THE CITY. i wish getting out was as easy as getting in but its not, i'm stuck and no one can help me out but you. the only problem is you gave up on everything so quickly like none of this even mattered like i didn't matter to you. if theres one thing that sticks out, something i've learned through all of this, its to never believe the first words that come out of someones mouth, let them prove it to you by their actions. words really don't mean anything well atleast they shouldn't. things have changed, you've changed and i've changed but the feelings still remain the same. one thing is for sure though i hate what you've become and to even say i love you for who you are NOW, i would be lieing to you and myself. if you only see what your childish and mindless actions have done to the people who truly care for you like i do than maybe things wouldn't be so hard to deal with, instead you'd be here fixing things.. with me. the thing is though you can't change if you're not willing and i can't help you if you don't want me to - and if ever there comes a time you do need me, as hard as it may be i jus mite not be there anymore. you and i were in the past and now its time for me to keep you there.goodbye.

another thing thats bin on my mind is promises and how breaking a promise can lead to secrets. i mean is it really necessary to promise to stay away from certain people? shouldn't you let your friends do what they want even if you may think its wrong? don't get me wrong i love my friends and i know that my best interests are with them but if i want to keep someone in my life i think they should let me. correct? i jus wish you could see it from my perspective and not let your 'first impressions' get in the way of seeing the goodness in people. if you really are my friend than i know you'll stick by me and the choices i've made about MY LIFE, no matter how much you may disagree because i'm tired of having to keep things from you. i don't want there to be any secrets between us.