UNTITLED

2010-09-11T03:26:00.002-06:00

too fuckn reaaaaaaal..

- xo

hello again.

2010-09-11T03:12:00.002-06:00

its been months since my last entry, i don't know how i forgot about writing.. guess i had to much going on that i couldn't take a second to just say what was on my mind.. to think about it, i've kept almost everything inside for the most part. guess reconnecting with my blog didn't come at a better time!

first off i'd like to update my basketball stuff.. LA were 2010 champs! that gives kobe his 5th ring, and phil his 11th - toeeeeeee ring!

rather then going back to may in detail here's a recap.

may: visited the phils with my mom after 13 years, i miss them everyday, esp Matt =(
june: Lakers wont the 'ship (= waaaaaaaatup!!
july: not a whole lot happened.. went to drake, told him how i felt.. finally - took a shit load of weight of my shoulders!
aug: got tattoo #2, RIP....
sept: thats now.. jus working and doing school, tryna do me.. 10th- happy birthday TIN!

dreams? who ever thought my dreams would come true?
not the kinda dream i wanted, but for the fact that i think what i dreamt is happening.. guess things really do happen for a reason.. i'm glad you don't hate me, and that no matter what we've always got a way into coming back around (= i missed you! i think i always will..

2010-05-04T19:21:00.003-06:00

ROUND 1: vs. OKC (LA win series 4-2)

ROUND 2: vs. UTAH (LA lead series 1-0)

GAME 2 TONIGHT :) :)

2010-05-04T19:04:00.007-06:00

Listening to : Don't Go Breaking My Heart - 702

i have zero tolerance for person who says one thing but does the complete opposite, as if they never really cared for or understood where you were coming from but only said they did to shut you up.

if you're not reliable enough and incapable of keeping a promise then how am i supposed to trust you with my heart??

i've given you way too many chances and yet you manage to fuck me over everytime.. but before my head and heart start disagreeing with one another, i'll walk away - i shoulda a LOOONG time ago.. no hard feelings, no negative thoughts, jus a relieved and somewhat happier me.

Lesson Learned

2010-04-15T11:37:00.001-06:00

song says it all ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXxEPi00pQo

thank you Monica, for coming out with this song ♥

.. you can't make a fool of me (:

all is fair in love & war

2010-04-06T02:58:00.001-06:00

My title has nothing to do with what I'm about to say.. Or wait maybe it does, I guess.. Once again I find myself at wits end tryna figure out what the hell is going on.. If I'm missing something, or is something actually wrong.. I don't get why things have to be so complicated, why can't things jus be simple. I hate how I've gotta rip you apart before getting any type of answer.. Mostly I hate how no matter the amount of times you fucked up, I let you back in.. I just can't leave you alone.. I'm getting sick of fighting.. Fighting with you and fighting myself. What a shame.

Lloyd

2010-03-18T19:34:00.004-06:00

may not be the best lookin picture, but i don't give a fuuuuuck (=

♥

oops

2010-03-10T00:46:00.004-07:00

i feel like its been so long since i've blogged.. guess nothin important has really happened, and i been real busy with school.. good ol midterms rite now =( .. 2 down, 2 to go!

anyways, i know its a little past due, but i really wanted to blog about the Lakers/Magic game that was on this past sunday.. all i can and will say is FUCK U BARNES! (= yea your team got the W but thats all.. Lakers are still on top (= mmmhm!

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhisFN3xdbLo93p0tY

47-18 .. no more losses please. unfortunately the Lakers have faced their first 3gm losing streak since acquiring gasl 2 years ago.. but they won tonight, VS the raps, it was tight all game, with the raps mostly leading, but ofcourse, for the.. 7th? time this year kobe scored the winning basket... fade away too this time ♥

i want you but i don't think i need you... ah i just i don't know.. =S

=) =) =) =)

2010-02-28T16:08:00.004-07:00

jus a few minutes ago team CANADA's ice hockey won the olympic GOLD in OT (crosby with the winning goal).... sorry team USA, but this is our sport =)

ahh as for USA, Lakers won against the Nuggets for the first time this season.. i can't lie it wasn't looking good all game til the 3rd, where LA stepped it up a notch and jus killed it in the 4th, big ups to LO for all his points and steals, and most importantly artest.. guarding melo all game and giving melo his 6th personal, causing him to foul out :) yeeeee.. wish i couls say kobe's offense was good, but i'd be lieing.. he shot 3 for 17 but fortunately, he had about 11-12 assists!! GO LA!! 45-15

ps. thanks to the camera man for showing denzel @ the game ♥

ghost

2010-02-19T01:31:00.002-07:00

Listening to: Ghost - BRUTHA

ahh.. reading week is almost over and i JUST started getting better.. never been this sick since i was a kid probably..
soo to catch up, ALL STAR was the past wknd, i didn't even get to see the skills, dunk, shooting stars which was kinda dry but i did get to see the ALL STAR game, which wasn't anything too dry, NO KOBE! maaan, dude needs to get better faster.. LA played BOS today and lost by 1 godddaaamn point.. hurry back mamba! <3

"why are you still on my mind?
somebody tell me what i gotta do,
i really wanna get over you, let me go ..
i'm doin everything i can to shake ya
still see your face when i know you aint there
you're like a ghost, you haunt me like a ghost.."

2010-02-03T21:37:00.002-07:00

"could you miss someone you never met? that's the question I’ve been asking myself.. you don’t know their voice, mannerisms or moods. strangely you know they exist.. but how can that be? or can’t it?"

didn't give a damn

2010-01-28T21:29:00.002-07:00

"its hard for me to hate you when she says that i'm jus like you, so i'm praying everyday that God will change my ways.."

do unto others

2010-01-27T00:23:00.003-07:00

as you would have them do unto you..

Poison

2010-01-26T00:39:00.002-07:00

it's been quite sometime.. i haven't had the time or the energy to really blog.. feels like so much has been going on, yet i feel like i haven't moved from my spot.. soo heres some lyrics to Beyonce's track "Poison," should give you a better understanding on whats going on.. ENJOY!

you’re bad for me I clearly get it
I don’t see how something good could come from loving you
the death of me must be your mission
cus with every hug and kiss you’re snatching every bit of strength
that I’m gon need to fight off the inevitable
and it’s a heart breaking situation I’m up in, but I can’t control
you’re just like poison
slowly moving through my system
breaking all of my defenses with time
you’re just like poison and I just don’t get it
how can something so deadly feel so right?
I’m not sure of what to do it’s a catch 22
cus the cure is found in you I don’t want it but I do
you’re just like poison.. my affliction, I’m addicted, I can't lie

its been a minute..

2010-01-14T00:27:00.003-07:00

Listening to: Honest - Day 26

soo.. what is there to blog about? second semester started this monday, its not too bad, expect for the early classes, i don't kno how they expect for me to wake up for 8AM classes..

mmmM! Had a sushi date with yuleng and lucy yesterday, it was sooo good! i been cravin for dragon eyes the past 2 weeks, so it was a happy moment yesterday hahaha (= i kiiiilled my bento!

RECAP ON LA: lakers lost lastnite by 20 to the spurs.. uuugggh! but fortunately they won tonight.. in defense of their lost lastnite, Pau is still injured, and Kobe left sometime in the seond half, he had been suffering from back spasms and his already broken right finer, it made it difficult for him to even walk =( poor kb.. FORTUNATELY kobe was good enough to play tonight, from what i heard he seemed very hesitant to shoot, but attempted 11, and made 5, scoring 10 points plus.. 2 boards and 1 assist. LA vs DAL 100-95 (= yay LA!

2010-01-06T14:33:00.002-07:00

daaamn.

a little late buuut ..

2010-01-03T22:51:00.011-07:00

Listening to: Back For Good - Boyz II Men (from their cover album LOVE)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! xo.
wishin the best for my family and friends in 2010.
PEAAAAAAACE OUT 2009, you were a bitch!

so since i know a certain cousin of mine likes to read my blogs, this one is jus for you: i know you LOVE her♥ so stop denying it (=

yes.. My Lakers lost to the Cavs on Christmas Day, but that really doesn't mean much.. when jus about.. 30 minutes ago, they kiiiiiiiiiilled the Mavs 131 - 96, with sucha difference in scored, its probably assumed kobe had another 40+ nite, nope. he scored 15! top scorer was FARMAR with 24.. LA did it without Artest who is still injured (wth even happened to him? i didn't even kno he was hurt lol) and gasol, was gone during the first quarter with a strained hamstring.. team effort tonite LA (= yeeeeeee!

ugggh..! being sick rrrrrrreeally sucks, damn you NYE, but i guess it was worth it ;)

my one favor, 2010: please no more unnecessary drama. no more useless "fights" with ex boyfriends, no inconsistency from friends and especially boys.. blah. please jus let me breeeeath. xo.

no room for reverse

2009-12-30T01:40:00.005-07:00

Listening to: Can't Wait to Hate You - the Dream

ever since last week, i haven't been able to stop listening to this song.. and then he popped up outta nowhere. perfect timing with the song and everything, least i thought so.. i really don't understand that until now, after evvvvvverythiiiiiiiing i can't hate you.. its like an addiction, i kno you're not good for me but i allow it to control my life.. maybe i'm stupid for sayin this, cus i kno its probably the 10238947287462746th time i've said it, but maybeeee this time will be different? maybe you will finally allow yourself to be a real friend and keep it simple.. and not allow certain things get to us anymore, we lack simplicity.. its jus weird how you could be the BEST bestfriend, but you suck at being anything else..

hope Santa was good to you ..

2009-12-25T01:55:00.003-07:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
& best wishes in the new year.
God bless!

.. love you

def poetry jam

2009-12-20T21:43:00.004-07:00

PAUSE.. and listen to Shihan's "This Type Love"

almost thereeeee

2009-12-16T23:16:00.003-07:00

Listening to: Illusion - Pleasure P

there isn't much to say.. i've got 2 finals left, then Christmas break.. a MUCH NEEDED break (=

soo Kobe did it again! LAKERS vs BUCKS - seconds left, Kobe with the ball (ofcourse), charlie bell*guarding him, shoots, misses. OVERTTTIMMMEEE.. seconds left, Bucks up by jus 1, identical play from regulation, Kobe has the ball once again, shoots, scores right before time runs out, LA win by 1 (= (= anybody who knows Kobe, knew he wouldn't miss the winning shot twice in a row ♥

..blah ok... baack to studying, F U ECON!

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

!@#$

2009-12-15T00:35:00.003-07:00

i trust you.. don't let me down.

i ♥ LA

2009-12-09T23:22:00.008-07:00

held the Jazz to only 6 points in the entire 4th quarter..

making this 10 straight wins for the Lakers!! (=

10 minutes

2009-12-07T19:35:00.006-07:00

listen, i'm fucked up now
don't ask why yall
sometimes the best medicine is just to cry yall
know what i'm sayin?
excuse my voice ~~fans~~,
that should be a sign that i identify with what i'm sayin
cus its these type of thoughts that'll kill ya
if you smokin with me right now, then you a good way from the filter
and i won't front like i aint stressin
sometimes i need a hug, real shit, pain shit is pain lesson
jus give me 10 minutes
i jus need 10 minutes alone
to not deal with a thing, to not answer my phone
jus to ig' my 2 way, ig' the shit in the streets
jus let me smoke this one cig in peace .......
sometimes i think, why'd i have to meet ~~chick~~ for?
and sometimes though, be careful what you wish for
sometimes i don't wanna be bothered
some days i just miss my father
he's stuck in the system
treated like a dude that's heartless
and they jus transfered him,
brought him up on new charges
yea folks i'm back to that
so i light another one and smoke back to back forreal
i'm chain smokin if you aint on my page, listen
i'm stressed out, hopin this one'll taste different..

i'm too cool to be glowin like this...

2009-12-05T20:06:00.010-07:00

Listening to: Tender Roni - Pleasure P (i got this song on repeeeeeeat)
title of the post explains my exact thoughts.. =d

i shouldn't even be complaining but this weather is just a complete downer.. i've been stuck inside the house since lastnite. i love the sight of snow but i hate the cold and the wind that comes with it.. what to do.. what to do..

REWIND to lastnight.. (=

MIA vs LA: i didn't get to watch most of the game, got to catch the last 4:38 left.. best and worst 4 minutes of my life.. right before i watched, odom got ejected, i still don't knoy why? both teams kept trading baskets til one slip up of the Lakers, and allowed wade to pass the entire team, up by 4, 9 seconds left - seemed like LA's loss in 7 games, but fortunately after missing his previous shot, dfish shoots a rainbow 3, LA down by 1! Heat, inbound, LA foul wade, wade goes 1 for 2, i think it was down to 3 seconds left, Artest to.. who else, the Greatest KOBE.. dribbles to the top of the 3, shoots, banks it off the backboard, and beat the Heat 108-107. Kobe, the rest of the team and all of Staples Center celebrate, confetti coming down, its as if they won the finals all over again (= what a way to end the game and continue their winning streak to 8! it was also a gooooood reason to lose my voice haha (15-3)

2009-12-02T00:55:00.003-07:00

Listening to: Love U For Life - Jodeci

love always sounds better in songs.

the simple things

2009-11-28T13:29:00.001-07:00

i would expect my friends to tell me the truth no matter how bad it could hurt.. wouldn't you?

so yesterday

2009-11-22T21:07:00.004-07:00

"i gave you the benefit of the doubt.. til you showed me what you were about.. your true colors came out."

it is what it is

2009-11-20T01:33:00.010-07:00

Listening to: The Realest One - Usher

Day 3, 4 and 5: still at it ..
HAAAPPY BIRTTHDAAY JERRBEAR 11/19

in addition to being sick for the past 3 days, got some news today, news i didn't think of receiving but thats life, throws punches at you. either you try and dodge em or try and deal with em and hit 10x harder. whatever happens, i jus hope i catch a break soon. it'd be nice to receive some good news for one.

on the flip side, i watched my first Lakers game on (on tv unfortunately) this season. i didn't even watch the entire thing, jus the last 15 minutes.. but what a 15 minutes it was. Gasol made his season debut tonight, top-scorer with 24, as the Lakers beat the Bulls 108-93.. annnd i can't lie, artest was a good pick for them, IF he continues to play as well as he did tonight. soo.. we'll see. the following is courtesy of Roe calling me and telling me about it.. ♥

Kobe Bryant - Champion of the Year

2009-11-17T23:39:00.006-07:00

Listening to: Money to Blow - Birdman Ft. Drake and Lil Wayne
Day 2: tempted but i stayed strong =)

KOBE scored 40points for the 100th time in his career tonight, VS the Pistons, Lakers also snapped a 2 game losing streak tonight =) thaaaaank god! [8-3]

i always wanted you but i see now its only because i couldn't have you, not necessarily cus i really needed you. i'm done lying to myself and to you.. i don't need you around to be ok... truth is, i'm better off without you.

i'm getting sick.. i feel it coming =(

i ♥ rihanna

2009-11-16T01:15:00.012-07:00

Listening to: Russian Roulette - Rihanna
Detox: day 1 - Success !
i can't wait to hear the rest of her album (=

"you can see my heart beating,
you can see it through my chest
and i’m terrified but i’m not leaving
know that i must must pass this test
so just pull the trigger.
say a prayer to yourself,
he says close your eyes,
sometimes it helps,
and then i get a scary thought
that he’s here means he’s never lost."

gotta be up in about 9 hours, i can't believe its Monday already.. yet another week of school.. i can't wait for Christmas vacation, i need a break, a time to jus sit around and chill, with the fam and friends.. buuuuut that won't be happeneing for another 5 weeks, sooo.. for now i'll look forward to the weekend.

nite.

a breath of fresh air ♥

2009-11-14T04:01:00.009-07:00

Listening to: You Sent Me Flying - Amy Winehouse

tonight i caught myself having that butterflies in your tummy feeling, my heart beatin a faster and different beat, and jus laughing harder.. laughing again! .. (= thankS! ♥

my friends forsure don't get it, sometimes i don't either, jus the physical alone doesn't make sense? but i can't quit it ..

BTW - i blame the fact it was friday the 13th for the Lakers shameful loss to Denver tonight.. i'm not upset they lost cus they can't win em all.. BUUUUUUUUUUT who the fuck only scores 8 points in a single quarter (3rd)?!!! =( that jus aint right LA!

ready to forget this ..

2009-11-10T01:32:00.004-07:00

Listening to: Broken-Hearted Girl - Beyonce

i felt like i had so much to say but you never gave me the chance to even say ANYTHING, and when i'd try and reach out to you, you'd just shut me out. i'm not surprised with how things have turned out, and maybe thats why i'm not as upset with you, as i should be. to be honest i'm more upset with myself, i just don't get how no matter, how big of an asshole you have been, i can't find it inside of me to hate you with every part of my being.. cus at the end of the day you don't deserve me, or my love. i really shouldn't worry about you and make you a priority when its pretty obvious i'm not even a thought in your mind.

"something that I feel I need to say but untill now I've always been afraid, that you would never come around and still I wanna put this out. you say you got the most respect for me but sometimes I feel you're not deserved of me and still you're in my heart but you're the only one and yes, there are times when I hate you but I don't complain cus I've been afraid that you would walk away."

?

2009-11-01T01:42:00.006-06:00

WTF did i do?

1-0

2009-10-28T00:23:00.004-06:00

went to the Oilers game tonight, they played the Avalanche, what a disgraceful game.. the Oil lost ther third straight, (3-0) tonight... =(

This song has been on repeat for the past 2 days, i can't get enough of it! gotta love amy winhouse =)

"all i can ever be to you
is a darkness that we knew
and this regret i've got accustomed to.
once it was so right
when we were at our high,
~~waiting for you in the hotel at night.~~
i knew i hadn't met my match
but every moment we could snatch,
i don't know why i got so attached.
it's my responsibility
and you don't owe nothing to me
but to walk away i have no capacity.
he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown
and in your way, in this blue shade,
my tears dry on their own.
i don't understand,
why do i stress a man,
when there's so many bigger things at hand.
we could a never had it all,
we had to hit a wall,
so this is inevitable withdrawal.
even if i stop wanting you,
a perspective pushes true,
i'll be some next man's other woman soon.
i shouldn't play myself again,
i should just be my own best friend,
not fuck myself in the head with stupid men."

gasol didn't play due to a strained hamstring, hope he's ok for the next game =) even without gasol, the Lakers did it (99-92). they won their season opener against the Clippers. (1-0)

we were like flowers to water,

2009-10-26T00:54:00.012-06:00

no better yet, coke to a snorter.
i never thought that this would be a one true fantasy, turned to a tragedy but all in reality, it was you to be the cause of my doom. since that day i changed the game, thoughts of you done left my brain. ~~girl~~ i just don't love you anymore. baby its sad to say, i know that it was you that made me feel this way, never thought it'd be a day that i, i don't love you anymore. baby its a shame to see, that being without you aint a thing to me, never thought it'd come a time that i, i don't love you anymore."

with all thats been goin on, i've completely forgot to keep a count down til the 09-10 NBA season starts.. 2 days =)

study..study......studddy

2009-10-24T04:09:00.006-06:00

MIDTERMS = no social life
i've been busy with midterms, its been practically 72 hours of accounting. if i'm not reading my text book, i'm on my laptop doing the case study, if not that, i'm lookin over notes, if not that i'm in bed, thinking if i fall alseep now tomorrow will come sooner and another day of accounting will come.. accouting has become my new best~~friend~~enemy. it's the one thing that has remained constant in my life.. =( which suuuuuucks! ..least i'm done with the stuuupid case study!!

ps. thaaaank you soooooooo much uncle for the hockey tickets =) =) =)
pps. if stubborn is what you wanna be, i can be the same but 10x more

i never asked for much ..

2009-10-21T00:29:00.003-06:00

Listening to: Sorry for the Stupid Things - Babyface

its nearly 1AM and i just wrote a paper, but found the energy to write in my blog. i wish everything going on in this head of mine would just come out on paper, or onto my blog, this way i'd be able to let how i felt and what i was thinking out there, for someone to make sense of, but i guess it isn't that easy =( after a long chit-chat with ate erns, i realized everything i was saying had sounded a bit angry. i can't help that after three years you can still put me through such bullshit but the only difference is i don't know the root of the problem. maybe it is me jus seeing things as more then i should, or maybe for the 1,000,000th time you're hiding something, and in time will fess up if i don't get it out of you first.. ah thats jus it, i'm tired, tired of tryna figure you out. are you in? or are you out? it can't be that hard, can it? cus i mean if given the choice to have you in my life or not... man it aint even choice at this time, my answer has always been the same since day 1, even now when i'm starting to feel like me being in your life isn't really a priority but more of an option..

.. except for your friendship and a little consistency with it

"sometimes a man, is gon be a man
its not an excuse, its jus how it is.
sometimes the wrong, don't kno they wrong.
sometimes the strong, aint always as strong.
sometimes a girl, is gon be a girl
and she don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world."

break time

2009-10-19T22:40:00.007-06:00

Listening to: Truth is a Lie - Day 26

the title is self-explanatory, i've been swamped with projects, assignments (which i can't even access, due to a database problem) and studying for midterms which are ALL next week.. what a crazy next 2 weeks i'll be having =(

on the other hand, got to chill and grab some starbucks with my girl cc today, its been too long! so long that i had to update her on shit that happened.. umm almost 3 years ago lol but all good, nothing wrong with a little play by play on the past gossip, heartaches, and headaches, there was all laughs and shocked faces from a few things i said =) she said a few things, that really stuck with me, only cus they were things i've always thought myself, but was too stubborn to say out loud.. only cus if i said it out loud, then i'd have to deal with it all.. i guess that time is now?

"forget about the picture i painted in your head of a beautiful you and me.. you might as well forget about the way you used me, abused me, thought we really was a family, you knew i was weak for love, so you wrote me love letters.."

"feels like i'm dreamin of happier days with you - so never say never, promise i'm never getting back with you. after all the shit you put me through. had to learn let it burn, i was firm with my love but it never was enough."

goodnight.

Forever Young

2009-10-15T23:12:00.001-06:00

Listening to: Understanding - Xscape

a week has gone by since i last blogged, and even then all i posted was a picture of keri hilson =)now.. what is there to blog about? i been stupid busy with school, slowly but surely, midterms are creeping up and i'm gonna have to buckle down. goodbye sleep and sanity =(

i haven't done much for the past month, so, i feel last week was the most eventful few days i`ve had in awhile. i had a debut to attend to, and lemme say it now, i'm OOOOOLD! being at the debut reminded me how this was my friends and i, 4 years ago.. crazy how time flys.. hmm what else, had thanksgiving dinner at uncle B's, good to be around the fam, even the pulido's from LA came, must of been a bit different for them, to celebrate thanksgiving so early.. sadly i was getting my hair "trimmed" meaning, 1 or 2 inches, nope, instead 4-5 inches were cut off =( and lastly -- this past tuesday, was probably one of the most memorable nights i'll ever have EVER.. the JAY-Z concert (*17th row)! i truthfully believe he is one of the few, most talented rappers to take the mic and stage. maybe i'm being a bit bias cus i haven't really heard anyone else rap live, oh wait there was kanye, but thats whatever - i went for rhianna that night lol.. Jay, killed it, there was no moment i sat, thinking i could jus watch with my ass on my seat, i was up, dancing, drinking, literally having the time of my life. thanks Jay, you revived my soul, it was something i really needed, in order to feel like i was "in the loop" and keep myself aware of what was going on in this world, other then the world i know best; the one with books, tests, studying, and no sleep.

i swear, if i could choose to consume even half the knowledge of anothers.. i'd choose Rev Run. he speaks with such wisdom. his thoughts i find to be enlightening and meaningful, whether he's jus quoting another individual or speaking from the heart.. his success and family are living proof - the man knows what hes doing/saying. i ♥ it. Respect&Luv Rev.

"holding back forgiveness, holds back your blessings" - Rev Run

on another note, i been having reoccuring "funny feelings".. why? beats me. about who? i'd rather not say. maybe i'm crazy for saying what i'm about to, but i will anyways.. so.. i think it jus hit me.. yes, years later which makes it kinda scary... but.. it may not make any sense, or it might, either way, i mean it when i say, i need you.

i've always known that, but i always believed i needed you as my "HSB", i needed you that for the most part complicated things for you and i but its not like that anymore. i really need you, jus you. i need us to be ok. i need to be ok.

2009-10-05T18:27:00.001-06:00

Listening to: Energy - Keri Hilson i think shes beautiful =)

2009-09-30T21:44:00.000-06:00

i can't even remember my last blog entry, oops.. i've been soo busy with school, and workm and for the most part sleeping as much as possible, which isn't a whole lot when i've been sick, and sore from my little car accident =( i don't think i've ever had such bad luck, then i've had the past 2 weeks... ooh bad luck, please go away... time to give me some positive energy....

hmm.. what are some things i could blab about?? went to my very first football game, the eskies lost unfortunately, but th experience was good over all, except the fact it was sooo cold out, i really don't think i'm ready for winter this year.. i hope winter doesn't show up til christmas morning.. =)

ok study time..

ps. i'm thinking of my second tattoo...

Pick Your Poison

2009-09-20T04:33:00.001-06:00

this is starting to look a bit familiar. i'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing, cus i have gone down this road once before and loved it, but i can't forget how fucked up it got at the same time.. but i can't help myself..

"i loved you for your ways but your ways hurt me bad boy. hurt me so bad why you want to see me sad boy, i'm tired of crying over you but i miss you so much i don't know what to do. seems that i gotta move on, live life without cha but every time someone comes around to talk about you i get feelings inside again i wanna be right back by your side again."

2009-09-19T04:18:00.000-06:00

"i wanna touch you but that jus hurts."

2009-09-11T17:34:00.000-06:00

home not so sweet home.

2009-09-11T03:22:00.000-06:00

me myself and i
thats all i got in the end
thats what i found out
and it aint no need to cry
i took a vow that from now on
i'm gonna be my own best friend

2009-09-09T18:55:00.000-06:00

this morning i wake up to a bunch of BBM and FB msgs. what was the emergency? ohhh there wasn't any.. atleast nothing life threatening. jus yolang, under alot of pressure, not knowing if she should purchase any JayZ tickets or not hahaha.. ahh the joys of presale, anyways, she copped em - so now me and her are going!!! best part of it all, tickets are floor seats!! i can't wait =) thx b.

see you soon.

2009-09-08T19:34:00.000-06:00

ALOT much has been going on lately i don't even know where to start. you finally came around and did what you did best, you listened when i needed it the most and without judgement. thanks. i've been struggling with my emotions especially when it came to you, theres still this part of me that resents you for ever leaving me but hey, why point fingers now? its been how long, and i had a choice to say something but i didn't. i sacrificed my happiness for yours, and i could never regret that. i loved you enough to let you do you, and thought of myself second.

you gave me my space, even more then i expected cus you didn't think i was ready, i said i was but looking back i think that little more time was best. thanks again. i've been at it with myself, tryna figure out what it is about you thats got me running through circles, i guess for the most part i miss the companionship and the passion, but not so much you as mine. don't get me wrong, i miss you as a whole, as the individual that made a huge difference in my life, as the person i let myself go with, and loved open-heartedly, most importantly my bestfriend. i guess at times the old me got mixed in with the new me and confused me and got me thinking that i still loved you, i do, but not in that way anymore. you will always be a huge part of me but i've moved on from "us". fact of the matter is, no matter how long its been, or how old we both get it'll never be the easiest pill to swallow, knowing/seeing you with someone else, but trust it aint jealousy, but as long as you're happy, then so am i.. and before i forget.. happy 22nd birthday =P

also, happy birthday aus, legal all around the ma'fuckn woooooorld! :)

Ugggggggggghh

2009-09-04T00:06:00.002-06:00

it's been a minute.

fuuck you. once again, you gained my trust then pull away and act like i never mattered.
sad thing is, i believed you aaaaaaagain..

today, i did something so out of my element. reached out to a complete stranger, in hopes of finding a common ground and maybe one day grow from it. i guess all i can do now is sit and wait, and hope for the best. if no reply, its ok i understand cus if i was -- i don't kno if i'd respond either..

My Very First ..

2009-08-18T14:49:00.001-06:00

my first, but definately not my last :)

back.. back.. forth.. and forth..

2009-08-17T02:15:00.002-06:00

it took one night and i'm.. back to SQUARE 1. i refuse to be stuck in the same spot, gotta get moving (forward.. preferably)

"I tried my best to give you right
But you act like you don't like it
Now I see that we weren't meant to be
Even though I thought that you were made for me
Here I go again, it feels like a lonely sin, that I made
How ya just let me go"

haaaaappyyy biiiiirrrtthhdddaaaay john lorne ♥ yooou !!!

Goodbye.. again

2009-08-12T17:43:00.002-06:00

If there's ever been anything I could ever really say, or even think of sayin, it was "I hate you.." for all the things you put us through. I've kept this grudge against you, I always hoped I'd get the chance to yell at you and you in return would tell me what it was that made you leave, what we didn't have to offer to make you second guess your actions or even for a second think, to be a part of your daughters life as she grew up.. I hoped one day all my questions would be answered. Even though your marriage failed, one thing remained constant, I was still your daughter but there was never a birthday card, a single call. Nothing. So I convinced myself no occasion was enough of a reason to think of me and wish me a happy birthday, a merry christmas, a happy new year, nothing was enough.. So I figured I was never enough.. Fortunately you not being there gave my mom this strength I bet she never knew was inside of her - and we did jus fine. For the most part I really do feel hate towards you, but then there's that part of me where I've grown and learned to block people and emotions out incase someone tried to get in. I must admit there's this tiny part that says I don't hate you at all, and even though I never knew you, I feel like a part of me is gone.. forever.

Even though you fucked up and definately don't deserve her love, her respect, her forgiveness and especially her unconditional love.. i know my mom always had, and always will have a soft spot for you, so here goes the one song that will forever remind her of the good times..

Goodbye.

"Pretty Wings" aaaaaaaaaagain.

2009-08-09T12:08:00.001-06:00

"your face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i cannot have forever.
i'll always love ya, i hope you feel the same ..
found the remedy i had to set you free,
away from me to see clearly
the way that love can be when you are not with me
i had to leave, i had to live, i had to lead, i had to live.
if i can't have you let love set you free,
to flap your pretty wings around."

amazing how a song can be more then just a sound with words ..

i still miss you.

PEACE OUT T.O

2009-08-02T01:35:00.001-06:00

heading back home in abour 3 hours.. couldn't sleep so i thought i'd just blog. its been a great week, getting away was what i needed, still do but in some twisted way i miss home. jus a few moments ago, i saw someone who was a huge part of me feeling right at home only to find myself in a familiar predicament. i guess the feeling itself will never go away, i'll never get used to saying goodbye to you no matter what. theres some things and some people that you can never jus be satisfied with seeing every year or so - having no such thing as a regular visit, chillin at any time for any reason with em.. but this is a feeling i have grown acustomed to, the nervousness and excitment in seeing you, as if its been 25 years and then saying goodbye to you, and having felt a part of you is lost again.

see you later TDOTTTT ♥,
see you soon edmonton..

PS. songz and i never got the chance to meet and fall inlove =( maybe next year?

the Song says it all ..

2009-07-26T19:11:00.001-06:00

i wish i could rip out a page
of my memory
cus i put to much energy in him and me.
can't wait til i get through this phase
cus it's killing me,
too bad we can't re-write our own history.
such a mystery when he's here with me;
it's hard to believe i'm still lonely.
chances fading now,
patience running out,
this aint how it's supposed to be.

goodbye edmonton, hello toronto =)

2009-07-26T02:21:00.001-06:00

truth hurts - 2 simple words that cut deep, who would've ever thought i'd feel this way? i sure didn't, especially with how i've been throughout this whole ordeal. guess this is my way in saying everything i can't say to your face, for many reasons but mainly cus you prolly wouldn't give me the time of day. i still can't believe it, its like i've been in a nightmare and won't wake up, but then reality hits, tears come, then i know it isn't a dream any longer. i really thought.. felt something there, like i said, we vibed but i guess it wasn't enough for you, maybe i wasn't but either way, do your thing and i'll do mine and when the time comes when we cross paths, this time i'll ignore my heart and remind it that you broke it once and to never give you the chance to do it again.

4.5 hours until my plane leaves and i am outta this joint, i'm kinda bummed cus with everything going on at the moment i was expecting to be around familiar faces, and especially the ability to call anyone at any hour or the day to vent but guess i'll have to tough it out on my own. i'm sure i will enjoy my time away, its jus too bad the 4 of them couldn't be there with me.

goodbye edmonton, hello toronto =)

yuup.... i'm 22

2009-07-25T13:43:00.001-06:00

had my birthday dinner and went to iho lastnite =) last place i'd prolly pick to celebrate at, but the people there made it a good night ♥ love you all.

my cousins & i

my girls, rodney and & i

to the rest who came but aren't in these pictures, thanks =)

jus look at him

2009-07-23T02:08:00.001-06:00

future baby daddy =)
YUUUP ♥ ..

uh oh..

2009-07-19T18:40:00.001-06:00

its been a week since my last posting, not alot has happened i suppose.. for the most part, i'm trying my hardest to keep sane and not fall apart. on the outside i probably look sane and ok, but inside i feel like i'm seconds away from a complete melt down, why? only he knows. fortunately i'm going to TO in a week, and my birthday is in 5 days.. lets hope things end well, cus i really need it.

even though there isn't anything to fuss about, my heart and mind are never stable, always thinking about the million "what ifs". the "realist" part of me has kicked into high gear, and is saying, because things are at its all time best, its only time things will fall apart and be everything i don't want..

i feel like i'm walking on eggshells.. =(

2009-07-12T04:33:00.000-06:00

3:33 AM and i'm still up, i feel like utter shit.. i have a pounding headache, i've got this cough that makes it even worse, my tummy hurts, i feel like throwing up at the sight of food at times and i'm dieing of heat.. and to top it all off my backs starting to stiffen up again =( i feel like i have the worst hangover ever, but i don't! hmm..

anyways, enough whinning, past few days have been pretty good, week went by quite quickly actually so i can't complain. i guess theres been a few things on my mind. i swear the harder i try to forget about you the harder i find myself falling, for someone who can't even take a second in his "busy" life to think of me, or to acknowledge my being.

something from me to you: keep is real and simple =)

ps. due to my "unhealthiness" i took lucy's book "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES" i wanna read this in hopes of some light.. some kind of inspiration.. if not, atleast it'll help me sleep at night.

pps. happy 22nd phat ♥ (yesterday 07/11)

=)

2009-07-12T03:58:00.002-06:00

heard great news yesterday, j might come and visit, but nothings definiate; a visit would be a great thing, atleast i think so? i want to take this time as a potential test to really see where things stand. the ones close to me, don't completely disagree but have shown some "concern" and that things could possibly suck and jus fuck me over.. but i could say - and with confidence i'll be ok this time, cus i have faith in that we're finally at that point we have both hoped to be in for so long, and that nothing will interfere or fuck with us.. things are different now. i wanna be able to say this friendship we've built in this past little while is it. no faking it, no pretending, no fronts. just you and me.. friends,

NBA trades

2009-07-09T04:48:00.001-06:00

here's my new blog format..template.. =) whatever you call it. it's simple but i ♥ it.. its nearly 3AM and i'm up hoping someone calls or bbm's me cus i'm pretty awake and bored outta my mind. so in order to entertain myself, i've been downloading some music and went on NBA.com, and came across a photoshoot of ............... RON ARTEST IN A LAKERS JERSEY! i knew it was official for quite sometime but to actually see him in a Lakers jersey and not trya knock kobe the fuck out was weird.. he's a good defender and the team doesn't have a consistant enough forward.. but i don't kno if he'll mix well with the rest of the team, esp KB, oh well guess everyone will have to wait til Nov. so my birthday is coming up, i don't know what i'm gonna do with it.. hardest part is inviting everyone, its tough when not everyone gets along with eachother, and when the one you want most likely won't be there..

hmm.. july 9, 2009 - DAY26 have a show in TO, maaaan what i'd do to be there RIGHT NOW.. unfortunately, i'm stuck at home.. eee i pray they come to edmonton one day.. and SOON!

just for shits heres shaq in his CAVS jersey =P

lastly..

heres a sight i've been completely dreading to see.. siiiiiiiiiiighhh

bye bye ariza =(

2009-07-07T02:10:00.000-06:00

felt like there was soo much i had to say, but now that i'm here, i can't think of shit.. had a good wknd, went out, got too drunk and thought i was hard or something and didn't sleep and tried to sober up by playin computer games, and going on a lil road trip with my cousins. i enjoyed every second of my little getaway, even if it was short-lived, i can't emphasize enough on how much i LOVE getting outta this city. soo.. something i learned this weekend, i gotta admit, its hard sometimes to see what (or who) is real or fake.. but i think i've got an idea.

i miss you
july-aug.. TO?
my birthday is in effin 20 days =S
i'm listening to drake too much, i could rap/sing each song of his
KARMA is on my side.. yuup =)
i ♥ my mama for gettin me a bunch of stuff from her trip!!!

"did you sleep on the wrong side? i'm catching a bad vibe and its contagious, whats the latest? speak your heart, don't bite your tongue. don't get it twisted, don't misuse it. whats your problem? lets resolve it. we can solve it, whats the causes? its official, you got issues, i got issues, but i know i miss you."

AW SHIIIIIET.. NBA trades update.. Sheed is in BEEEAAANNtoooooown, and in return, i THINK they lost big baby and rondo?.. Ahh also.. rumor has it the heat want AI..? man ooh mannn..

nooooooooooooooooo !!..

2009-07-04T14:07:00.001-06:00

ooh my... i can't believe all the trades the NBA are doing..
bye ariza =( hello artest =S and LO where he going?? or is he staying..
as for the "diesel" in Cleavland, wow CAVS must be desperate to win next year. unfortunately, Shaq won't help your problem.. only cause ya'll to sloooow down..

- kaye

thank you =)

2009-07-02T18:45:00.001-06:00

it's been a struggle to get where i am today, but i'm here and i'm grateful.

its 3 years today bubbs ..

- kaye

2009-07-02T17:56:00.000-06:00

RC ♥

You Are Not Alone .. RIP MJ

2009-06-30T03:03:00.001-06:00

after watchin the BET awards (on the computer.. unfortunately), i couldn't get this particular song off my mind.. i could barely hear it, the words were a bit muffled but the way it was sung, the rhythm.. everything, jus got to me ♥

Pretty Wings - Maxwell
Time will bring the real end of our trial.
One day there'll be no remnants,
no trace,no residual feelings within ya;
one day you won't remember me.
Your face will be the reason I smile
but I will not see what I cannot have forever.
I'll always love ya I hope you feel the same ..

Speaking of the BET awards, during the last part of the evening, Janet came on in respect of her late brother, and to thank all the fans, for their prayers and support, her appearance was follwed by a duet of jamie foxx and ne-yo, in memory of the KING OF POP himself, Michael Jackson, God Bless his soul.. thank you for blessing us with your voice - you will never be forgotten. RIP MJ.

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." - Michael Jackson

- kaye

driiiiiiiiiizzzay!

2009-06-28T03:00:00.001-06:00

if i can't come out with the words bout what i'm thinking and how i'm feeling, i've always got music and lyrics to do it for me ..

"i want things to go my way, but as of late alot of shit been goin sideways
"hands down i'm too proud for love but with eyes shut, its you i'm thinking of.. but how we move from A to B it can't be up to me cus you don't know who i was before you. basically to see a change in me, i'd be losing so i jus ignore you. yea but you're on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind.. but maybe in time, in time, in time i'll tell you.. a little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you"

yuup.. drake says it best =)

- kaye

reality check:

2009-06-24T02:31:00.001-06:00

i'm not getting any younger, 22 doesn't seem like its that old, but when you don't have much to show for it kinda gets you down.. gets you thinking, where did the past 5 years go? i think for once in my life, i'm gonna admit it.. i need a source of inspiration other then something found within myself, i want that "reason to wake up in the morning" kinda thing.. i've been burned in the past, but who hasn't? i need to stop looking at the scars from over the years, stop looking at what/whom i've lost but more at what i've gained, and the people who cared enough to, well care and love me through the goooood, the bad, and the bobble*!

i think.. no i know i'm ready to take on whatever comes at me, with or without someone beside me to go along for the ride, because its true, when God believes i'm ready to share myself with someone, God will bring him my way and bless me with his presence - but until then i've gotta learn to be happy with myself :) and trust the uttmost important relationship i will always have to fall back on, the one i have with myself.

- kaye

PS. wrist guards suck so bad =(

"there isn't anything we can't get through.."

2009-06-23T01:49:00.002-06:00

i jus got home from dropping off michelle and yuleng at home, chilled at OJ's - got some yummy sweet potatoe fries then headed to lucy's to watch "he's jus not that into you.." who honestly thought a movie would be so insightful. if he's not calling, hes just not that into you.. because if he was he would call.. if he doesn't seem to give a shit about you, thats probably because he doesn't give a shit. who knew watching a movie about the men, and relationships would knock some sense into me, and really tell myself to let go.. like B would say "no more S on my chest..."

theres actually been alot on my mind today, i jus don't kno what is worth mentioning and what isn't.. for the past few days, theres been this cloud of happiness over me, something that jus touches my soul, in ways that i never expected, but it is something i had always prayed for. i'm jus glad it came at the time it did, because of this new found happiness i can't say life is all that bad. i tend to question the things i say and feel at times only because i'm afraid i will regret it later on, or said things and thought i felt things due to the moment, but this time i'm forsure. so here's what i've been wanting to say but chose not too, in fear of ruining something so good - something thats taken years to build:

"since day one there has always been something about you that i couldn't explain, its been 6 years and i still find it hard sometimes.. but there are some things i can say, you truly are the one person, who is my complete opposite yet the one person who gets me inside, and out. you know all my secrets, my flaws and my imperfections, but still saw the beauty in me. you didn't finish my sentences, you would jus say whatever it was before i even thought of it. we've gone through alot together, and apart; being apart from you was probably the biggest challenge i have ever exerperienced in my life. being without you, i truthfully believed i would jus fall apart, and many times, i did. expecting you would put me back together because its what you did, but one day you jus stopped and i had to accept my fate and accept the fact you weren't here anymore to keep me sane and keep me together. if there was one thing you always wanted from me, it was to become independent and to never lean on anyone to grow, but to grow on my own, at my own time. a part of me resented you, only because i had grown so attached to someone who i thought at the time was telling me not to be, but i get it now. you only wanted the best for me, you always have..

i'm writing this, only because i think its long past due and that soon enough you and i will really part ways and jus be a memory of eachother's. i jus hope you know that if ever you decide to come home, i will be here, ready to welcome you back.. even it if its just a visit. i'm jus happy that we have both reached that point in both our lives, where we both stopped to think of the other person and concluded that things don't have to be so complicated. i wish you well in all the things you do, and i meant when i said, don't settle for anything short of the best, because you deserve it all.

so.. what i guess i'm trying to say is, that through everything we have put eachother through, there is one thing that will remain the same, you will always be a huge part of my life. whether it be my past, present or future; i hold you dear to me. i know now that whenever my world feels like its falling into a thousand pieces theres that one person who believes in me."

to my bestfriend: i miss you, i love you and most importantly thank you. =P

- kaye

2009-06-22T02:56:00.000-06:00

nearly 3AM and i'm up.. whats new, i never sleep i really think i need to go to the doctors for some sleeping pills... something to get me to sleep. anyways, not much to say, thought i'd attempt to blog more often- its a bit of a release, to jus say anything i want and for once not be judged or questioned on what it was i was thinking, or feeling.. or in this case who i was thinking of and what i feel for them.

will you marry me? so i can/because i wanna date you.
watched "the Proposal" didn't really know what to expect, but i loved the movie, watched it with lu and b. it has officially changed my mind set on white men.. hehehee if you look like ryan reynolds and you're sweet like him, HOLLA. if not, no thanks =) buuuuuut thanks for coming out! guess this is it for now, can't keep my boo on the phone waiting for me to finish.. though i should jus hang up on her, for she has RUDLY interuppted my train of thought and has JUST REMINDED ME of how alone, and desperate i have become in the past few months.. she gave me my 4 week notice on finding a new man, before i hit the deuce-deuce =( siiiigh..*

- kaye

PS. my ending apparently reminded bitchface (yk) of rev run.. which made me remember how badly i have wanted to be part of the simmon's family =) maybe if i could get jojo to holla or something? eeeh who knows.. one day lol

BlackMamba4-timeNBAChampion: KOBE BRYANT

2009-06-21T00:50:00.006-06:00

#4 baaaaabyy!!

JUNE 14 2009: 99-86 LAL (series 4-1)

2009 NBA FINALS CHAMPION& MVP

(first to receive the "Bill Russel Award")

yep, Kobe did it WITHOUT shaq =) =)

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you

2008-03-03T00:16:00.002-07:00

why did you have to do what you did, why did you have to say what you said. i was jus fine with how things were going, until that one moment.. you jus could not help yourself could you, it makes me think, were you thinking of someone else. was it caught up in the moment, cus there was not much happening at the time.. whatever it was, it made me think i knew you all over again. i thought we were on the same page. i thought we have an unspoken understanding. i thought we were finally ok. i thought wrong... now i hate you.

foolish of me to think it would be closure.. it opened up another door, or complications and problems. if you can't make up your mind, thats your problem, not mine. i do not need this, or to stick around, even if my heart wants to, i gotta abandon my heart and listen to my head for once...

welcome back..

2008-02-20T02:55:00.002-07:00

you're home.. its unreal but yet it feels like you never left, like we picked up right where we left off. things were perfect, almost exactly how i planned... until the dreaded part of the nite, the part where we go out spereate ways. its always been difficult to say goodbye to you, whether it was over the phone, for the day, or forever.. i'm sorry for never pushing you to be more then you could, but i didn't feel like it was my place to say or do anything, i always had the utmost confidence in you and your ability to do anything! i mean you changed me, you made me so much of what i am now, and in return i didn't say anything in fear of losing you sooner. i'm sorry if that was selfish to you, but to me, me keeping quiet was the best thing i had ever done for you. i sacrificed my love and happines for you.

how is it in the end i'm falling for you all over again =(.... i miss you already, and you're not even gone yet...

"you drive me crazy but i promised myself never to get hurt again..."

2008-02-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

"it's like getting stabbed on a certain street why go back there again?"

or... "its closure"

i think i need this... more then ever..
12 days..

hmm ..

2008-02-02T23:52:00.001-07:00

finally on the same page.. atleast for now, i miss you..
i'm excited and nervous all at the same time.. i don't know what the next two weeks will bring.. wish me luck!

maybe this is the closure i needed...

2008-01-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

I HATE MY HAIR =(
I MISS YOU =(
I WANNA GO TO LA =(

blah. life stinks.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

2008-01-01T13:55:00.002-07:00

may you all get what you deserve =)
goodbye 2007. hello 2008.

2007-12-29T02:02:00.000-07:00

BELATED MERRY CHRSISTMAS.. wow can't believe its only a few more days until the new year, i'm so excited yet in a way a bit apprehensive. i guess cus i'm going back to school, gonna be meeting new people, having to control my sleeping AND spending habits, being a college student is tough both ways lol! and i guess knowing i haven't spoken to you in awhile.. going into the year with not the slightest aknowledgement from you scares me.. could this be the year? with you not a part of my life.. thinking about it gives me goosebumps, but at the same time i have a little sigh of relief. uncle gave me a Flash Stick to save all my pictures and documents onto it, and i came across 4 pictures you sent me over txt msging, it was part of the 7 pages you wrote to me probably a month from now, a year ago when i believed that it was all over! i hated you! a part of me still believes you regret staying for as long yet i don't cus you had no reason to stay, i know you hated what i did, yet still accepted my flaws, the drama killed us then made us stronger, yea there was lies.. probably more then we'd both admit too, but for the most part it was real. aint no denying that. i guess reading that with a "clearer" head gives me a not so better but different look on things, and i feel bad yet i'm not sorry. everything i did, for the good and the bad, even the lies made us, us. and in the end i would never replace it for anything. i love you.

"but as long as you happy i'ma tell you this,
i love you and you the one that i will always miss .."

PS. mommy gave me a new diamon ring =)

sushi OVERlooooooooad !

2007-12-21T02:12:00.003-07:00

blah.
i been in and out of bad moods, i never been like this before i don't know what?? its sooo weird.. maybe stressed, but i'm not too sure what about? maybe with the holidays coming, knowing loli won't be here,, being dirt broke.. or missing him? or maybe its all. =(

had our dinner tonight at ZEN (all u can eat.. but really not.. 20 pieces of sashmi a person is NOT all u can eat!! FALSE ADVERTISING YO) so it was me, jerry, annie, lucy, yuleng and rodney... gave our KK's their gifts rodney had me, i got THE VIXEN DIARIES book, a purdy's chocolate and LIP FUSION lipgloss.. 50 bucks yo... i had B, got her memory for her crackberry and huge headphones =) hope she really likes em!!

lucy got a laptop baag and GRANNIES from annie
annie got her Harry Potter book from bear
bear got a DS game, mario kart from yuleng
rodney got a bunch of online things, so he opened shit

goos start to christmas, but i gotta be honest i couldn't be happier to know '07 if close to ending! nothing but bad times come to mind thinkin bout this year...

2007-12-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

blah. went to west ed for the 5th time in the last 6 days =( and i still have nothing for yuleng to show for it.. if a certain cousin of mine would txt me back maybe i'd know if i could get her gift or not! cus if i can't i'm screeeeeeeewed! i gotta come up with a gift in the next 24 hours? heeelp..

something i CANNOT stand, people who are so FAKE. i mean i mean not be the REALEST but i know i aint fake like the next girl, ya know? i'm friends with who i'm friends with, and in aint gonna play like we 'bestfriends' when we not. i been there for two girls especially and this is how they repay me, they treat me like shit and would prefer that asshole who will probably cheat on you or is cheating on you, rather then a true friend. ddddddeeeeeeeeeeeep. but i believe in karma.

on a HAPPY note i went to BUILD-A-BEAR with lucy today, AJ -- a Milke Choclate Bear with a Lakers jersey and shorts and Tims haha i kno it doesn't really go, but its for meeeeee ♥ so happy!

2007-12-18T23:50:00.001-07:00

fuck i hate my misfortunes with my phones, the second one i've bought for myself and i think its only days until it stops working completely like the other one.. which by the way i miss oh so much!

i got to think about it, why is it we communicate on your terms, and that when i try to speak up you shut me out? i'm so sick of it. i really didn't mind at first cus i respected your space and choices, but now its jus plain stuuupid!

for months i used to cry, felt like i wanted to die
kept asking God why, do i deserve this?
we all make mistakes, ain't nobody perfect
we're human, and through it all, i remained a good woman to you
prayin for strength and losin my faith
how could you lay in our bed and lie in my face?
jumpin out my sleep, havin nightmares of me tossin and turnin,
my heart still burninwatchin me suffer, relivin my fears
holdin my pillow close while you dryin my tears
stop your blood claat cryin, need to stop lyin
and look me in my eyes 'fore these plates start flyin
and how the fuck could you disrespect us
everything we stand for, all our love and our trust
seems like i said before, you won't appreciate me
and everything we have til i'm out the fuckin door.

2007-12-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

daily creepin.. found this one..

"when someone is in your life for a reason it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. they've come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. they may seem like a godsend and believe me they are. they are there for the reason you need them to be then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. sometimes they walk away, sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. what we must realize is that our need has been met our desire fulfilled, their work is done. the prayer you sent up has been answered and now it's time to move on."

i can't lie whats being said there hit hard, but at the same time the saying "EASIER SAID THEN DONE." comes to mind as well. i guess it depends on the person and the situation but moving on isn't always that easy. it could take a person 10 seconds after he/she have walked away or have been walked out on, or in other cases forever. with me.. i can't say forever, but still.. you hold a great part of my heart. has. always. still.

soo.. spending the entire day with my family (cait, ton and tin) having my heart to hearts with 2 of them made me realize how much i tend to hold back. in fear or atleast with major hesitation in having someone come back at me with "yea, but he..." in such a negative matter. sometimes i'd like to be heard and leave it as that. sometimes i jus wanna say my peacse and leave it as that but sometimes i can't, i know they mean well but i wouldn't mind jus have the chance to speak on what has happened, how i feel/felt, think/thought without getting judged or told otherwise that what i felt, thought, and even saw was all an illusion. sometimes i wish they'd see it through my eyes and not only from the outside. i guess thats whats made me appreciate my family that much more, no hesitation to speak my mind, and the fear of getting ridiculed for seeing/feeling the things i do. my family, is my world and i wouldn't have it any other way.

loli, we're gonna miss you this christmas....

2007-12-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

3 days ago... 2 years ago, you changed my life, thank you <3

2007-12-16T00:30:00.001-07:00

ahhhh the stress of christmas holidays.. i love shopping but i jus don't have to time and money to look around for hours.. siigh jus got back not too long ago from WEM, it was moonlight madness tonight, mall was open til 11. so far i got caitlin a little eyeshadow thing from beauty junkie, bear two shirts from highgrade annnnnnd yea thats all. i still need my mommy, yuleng and rodney... kill me now.. pls =( aaaaaaaaaaaand ontop of that i wanna start my driving classes ASAP but i can't come up with 3 bills by monday, annnnd i need to do my passport shit soon too! ahh too much for little ol me...

anyways on the good side, i bought myself a juicy charm bracelet, shits kinda tight but thats cus my wrists are fat haha, 2 magazines (vibe with keyshia cole on it and SLAM with my baby on it) and finally the alicia keys book (songs & poems) gonna read. so im out =)

2007-12-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

if i could rewind the time
and get inside ya mind
i would take back all my words

ooh usher =)

2007-12-13T01:57:00.002-07:00

ah almost 2 am and still awake, chilled with babycakes and bear tonight, then had a real talk with bear... i guess its true, the ups and downs of a relationship is what molds a person into who they are, and what they've become. its jus up to us to take advantage of it for good.. or in some case evil.

i miss 'chillin' its been awhile now...

"People are halves. Love makes everything have more meaning...
Then someone takes it away from you and you're fucked."

wrote that about 2 years ago, and i still stand by it til this day. i believe its from my 'sex and the city' novel =)

its funny how, listening to 'missing you' by trey songz, reminds me of you soo much... yet by the end of it, i'm ok, i can still smile.

missin everything you say, missin all the crazy love we made.
why'd you throw it all away? i want you to know
it's been hell tryna do this without you here.
baby '07's supposed to be our year. you confront my worst fears...
you just don't understand how much you were a part of me.

<3j

2007-12-12T00:48:00.000-07:00

ah its been a little less then a month since i've written in this, guess it's slipped my mind and it didn't help that i had no idea what my password was - so i eventually gave up. its funny, looking back on all the previous blogs i wrote, i never knew i had it in me to write so much about one person. i guess its cus i never believed i'd feel and experience so much with another soul. anyways, i'd love to say i had so much more insight on the past 10 months or do but i really don't, alot has happened, i've lost alot of loved ones, but gained stronger bonds with others too so i can't really complain, but over all, after all the headaches, tears etc.. etc.. i think i've figured myself out a bit more, and i love it.. for the most part =P i'm still flying solo but i think after everything with him i don't think i'm ready, and after a recent conversation it's almost impossible for me to really accept that being with one person for the rest of my life is something for me. i don't think i could possibly love someone so much forever... but for the love i do have for some, its real and will last as long as its suppose to. as for you, i love you but as a friend if even, you're still a pain in the ass, but thats life. you're always gonna have that certain pain you'll never really get rid of for good haha. as for the rest of the year, good stuff has happened, i had a bit of a crush for awhile, until i realized two people almost living identical lives really couldn't... shouldn't be together, too much - excess baggage if you know what i mean lol. all good he's still my homie and that, thats enough for me! i'm gonna try and write more again, its almost the new year, so exciting stuff is bound to happen! including the heatbreak and the completion of my life - going to LA in about 65 days, and FINALLY watching a Lakers game, can you believe it? KOBE and ME in the same room.. wow. <3

one last thing.. 2 nites ago was probably the first i'veever cried so much i couldn 't see, but i guess it was worth it, i got my friend back - but like i said, pleeeeeeeeeeease don't make me regret this one.. or else!! i'll punch you in the face! ha

its 12:56am got work tomorrow and my back is getting sore from this, so i'm out.

goodnight.

p.s the song of the moment, an oldie but goodie - SATISFY YOU...

you fear it.. but you love it when you near it.. haha something like that?

2007-02-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

when you said goodbye, i felt so all alone. there were times at night i couldn't sleep my heart was much too weak to make it on my own. baby after all the misery and pain you put me through.. so aunfair to me, you're no longer my world.

pull through loli i can't.. no one can imagine life without you here with us.

its true, when you're goin through the best times or the worst times you always want that certain someone to be there with you to celebrate your success or to cry too about your fears, and upsets. only problem for me is, he's not here anymore, he can't and won't be. as hard as it is to cope with life reality is you can't be a part of me anymore. so everyday i jus tell myself - LIFE GOES ON.

2007-01-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

i'm better off without you.. i know that now. it humanly impossible to miss something, better yet someone who wasn't real with you to begin with.

2007-01-07T02:53:00.000-07:00

i found it almost impossible to see myself care for anyone or trust anyone after what i've seen at such a young age, but then there was him. he was a other side of me that i never knew existed - nevermind let out. things were close to perfect with him, nothing that stood in our way tore us apart but only made us stronger. until he was given two choices, one to stay this way with me for however long his heart and my heart would or two leave it all behind in search of himself and a new life that didn't have me a part of. he chose his other life where i chose him, i guess i wasn't enough like he said i was..

2007-01-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

merry christmas everyone.. hope the new year brings alot of joy to each and every one of you <3

"jus gotta get this off my cheat but this yr for the holidays it was nearly impossible to not think of u, meainly cus last yr was so different, u were coming back into my life where as this yr.. your not around at all.. i miss u lots right now ........."

ever think that the way you spend your new years eve is the way you'll spend the rest of the year.. i don't - WE proved that together :)

2006-12-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

"i wish ud come here already so i could kick u in the head for leaving me :( then give u the biggest hug til u lose ur breath :$" - 12/15/2006 12:59AM

2006-12-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

if you got nothing important to tell me then don't bother sayin anything at all.. cus MOST LIKELY you'll be getting "oh ic", "oh yea", "mmhm" or my favorite "sweet" or a simple NO RESPONSE.

i dunno if its jus a mood i'm in or cus i'm jus seeing things in a completely different light nowadays, theres ONE i really can talk to, a few i can tolerate (but keep in mind, jus cus i talk to you once in awhile don't mean shit cus most likely you jus caught me during a good moment, but thats all it was a moment) but truth of the matter is i haven't talked to or associated myself to anyone as of late.

i jus need time alone, a time to do me - may sound selfish but its what i need.

2006-12-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

choked.

i knew i shouldn't have believed you but you can't blame a girl for hoping.. i guess somethings never change, when i needed you the most you weren't there. so what makes this time any different.

2006-11-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

it jus isn't fair :(

2006-11-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

you asked if i missed you and
i said i did.. but only a little bit

i lied, i miss you more then jus a little..

another thing, i HIGHLY doubt
you miss me more then i miss you.
I M P O S S I B L E (=

2006-11-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

you smiling was all i ever wanted for you..
but if it's going to take you this long to tell me, i can't wait. you can't expect me too. i love you but this isn't fair to me or to you anymore.

again- janet jackson

2006-11-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, been busy maybe a little lazy as well (=
same old shit, nothings changed..

things got alot better, but got alot worse too..
it's still you

2006-10-22T04:17:00.000-06:00

i don't care what it is you say and how you are towards me now because if theres one thing i know its you and that no matter how far you may be, how much things have changed, how 'thick and tall' of a wall you build or the amount of distance you put between us, you will always be a part of me. you could deny it all you want but i know you and in the end denying me, you, US and that connection we still strongly share won't make it any better, only worse. you've tried for days, weeks and now even months and we still somehow find ourselves in the same spot, with eachother. i kno you feel it because if you didn't you would have stopped checking on me, thinking about me and hating the fact i could talk to you about other guys. so stop fighting it, i'm here if you want me. i don't only check on you, think about you or hate the thought of you with someone else, but i still feel you the way i felt for you from the beginning, and that will never stop.